I suffer from anxiety and depression and its a vicious circle. Anything can set my depression off but it stems from the feeling and fear that I’ll never be loved or accepted for me, it feels as if I’m screaming at full volume for help but everyone just kind of looks at you because they don’t know what to do or say which then brings in the anxiety; worrying that I’m bothering people and they get sick of me and don’t want to be around me which kicks of the cycle again. It’s the most lonliest feeling in the world, but not all days are bad. Most but not all.

My anxiety and depression conflict with each other. My anxiety makes me feel like i don’t fit in and have to explain myself all the time, and my depression then calls me pathetic for explaining myself when i know i shouldnt have too. Its like instead of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, the devil is on both.

Anxiety for me hits at the worst times. When I feel like things are starting to get on top of me, that’s when it shows itself. It makes getting out of bed in the morning the hardest thing ever, creeps in when I’m by myself, makes me question everything good in my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s a part of me, it’s who I am, then I look to my friends and they show me that I’m much more than that. I’m not done with it by any stretch of the imagination, but knowing I have people around me that not only understand, but go out of their way to be there for me makes things much easier to deal with.

Anxiety. 14/5/15

It all started when I was 19. Obviously then I had no idea it was anxiety.

I was with a boy that I had loved since I was 16, completely stuck in a relationship where I was mentally trampled down and convinced id never do any better. But, when I found out I was pregnant, things seemed to change.
My baby girl was born 4 months premature. Her name was Lilly. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen, held, smelled…my tiny perfect creation. Unfortunately though, it wasn’t to be. Her lungs had developed as quickly as her other organs and after a week of being with me I had to say goodbye.
My ‘boyfriend’ had me convinced it was in some way my fault she was born early and died. That I must have done something while I was pregnant or that my body wasn’t fit for carrying a child.
I stayed inside the same room for 4 months after being brought home. I was convinced everyone was talking about me, had things to say, judging me based on what my now ex boyfriend had been telling them. I even gave up my job.

From then on, my anxiety consumed almost every move or decision I made.

I finally managed to get myself out and find a new job even though facing customers was a constant struggle.

Relationships ended before they started as I had myself convinced I’d get pregnant again and go trough the same horror no matter how careful I was so sex was never an option.

I was officially diagnosed with depression/anxiety in April 2014.

I am in a place where my medication makes me feel better, but even now some days when I wake up before I take it I feel like I can’t make it through the day.

What You Should Know About Panic Attacks

Living with Anxiety

In February  2015 I was officially diagnosed with an anxiety/panic disorder but I have been living with anxiety for many years before my diagnosis. I started this blog as I have always took solace in writing and I want to banish the negative attitude towards anxiety which is put upon sufferers on a daily basis.  On my journey I’ve had my eyes opened to just how many of my friends and family have or have suffered with anxiety, and how much help and advice they could offer me. I got the courage to finally ask for help from my doctor and wanted to share my experiences in the hope that it will encourage silent sufferers to speak up and get help.

So what is anxiety exactly?

When you are anxious, you feel fearful and very tense. You may also suffer some side effects (For example: nausea/accelerated heart rate/sweating/palpitations/shaking/dry mouth/chest pains/headaches/fast breathing) These are partly caused by the brain sending loads of messages down nerves to different parts of the body when we are feeling particularly anxious. These messages to the nerves tend to make your lungs, heart and other organs in the body work faster alongside releasing stress hormones (adrenaline) into the bloodstream which can also affect cause symptoms.

Anxiety is normal in stressful situations and can even prove helpful. However, anxiety becomes abnormal if

• Is out of proportion to the stressful situation
• Persists when a stressful situation has gone,
• Appears for no apparent reason when there is no stressful situation.

There are loads of conditions where anxiety is a main symptom. The most common are…

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) – A person feels anxious on most days, worrying about lots of different things, for a period of six months or more.

Social Phobia – A person has an intense fear of being criticised, embarrassed or humiliated, even in everyday situations, such as speaking publicly, eating in public, being assertive at work or making small talk.

Specific Phobias – A person feels very fearful about a particular object or situation and may go to great lengths to avoid it, for example, having an injection or travelling on a plane. There are many different things you can have a phobia of.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – A person has ongoing intrusive thoughts and fears that cause anxiety. Although the person may acknowledge these thoughts as silly, they often try to relieve their anxiety by carrying out certain behaviours or rituals. For example, a fear of germs and contamination can lead to constant washing of hands and clothes.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – This can happen after a person experiences a traumatic event. Symptoms can include difficulty relaxing, upsetting dreams or flashbacks of the event, and avoidance of anything related to the event. PTSD is diagnosed when a person has symptoms for at least a month.

Panic Disorder – A person has panic attacks, which are intense, overwhelming and often uncontrollable feelings of anxiety combined with a range of physical symptoms. A person having a panic attack may experience shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness and excessive perspiration. Sometimes, people experiencing a panic attack think they are having a heart attack or are about to die. If a person has recurrent panic attacks or persistently fears having one for more than a month, the person is said to have panic disorder.

Anxiety disorders are some of the most common mental health problems and they affect 16% of people in the UK. Still, they are often misunderstood and this often causes stigma and discrimination which can make it harder for people to say how they are feeling, speaking openly and seeking the help they need.

So what does anxiety feel like anyway?

Personally, I wouldn’t wish anxiety on my worst enemy. It is a awful disorder and in my experience, it stops me from doing a lot of things I used to be able to. At one point, you couldn’t keep me inside the house. I was always out, having fun with my friends and calling my mam (or not..) to tell her I was staying out. More recently, I have became unable to relax outside of the house. I find it hard to even go to the pub like I used too, as I grow increasingly restless and end up watching the clock to see when I can go home.

I asked a few people how anxiety affects them…

“Anxiety affects me in a way I thought it would never. I’ve had mild anxiety with mostly physical symptoms for seven years but recently it’s been getting worse, to the point where I worry all day and can’t sleep at night. I’d describe it as a constant creeping thought, affects your decisions and makes you act with high emotion and impulse. Makes you doubt yourself at every turn and can destroy self confidence but can be overcome with support from loved ones and seeking help from a gp.”

“Anxiety wise, it’s probably been the worst cause it’s something that has actually physically held me back in life, whereas I’ve suffered with depression for so long I can sort of manage it. Anxiety prevents me from doing the most simple things – asking for help at a train station or in a shop. Tiny little things that so many people can just go and do without a second thought. And when you tell someone that you can’t go check which platform you’re supposed to be on because you’re petrified of being in that situation, nobody understands. You’re just being awkward or even lazy. Anxiety absolutely ruined my dream job for me. I was so insecure and so hopelessly lost with the pressure of it I found something else. I wake up in the morning sometimes and just feel anxious for absolutely no reason, like that weird niggling feeling in your stomach? I don’t really know what else to say on the matter aside from that it’s absolutely awful. And I don’t think it’s spoken about enough because there have honestly been times where I’ve felt like I’m the only person in the entire world who ever feels like this.”

“Some days when I wake up my anxiety hits me so hard I feel like I physically can’t breathe or even leave my bedroom. It effects my daily routine constantly and is directly linked to my depression and my low self esteem. Being a manager at work I feel enough pressure as it is but when my anxiety is at it’s worst I convince myself I can’t do it and practically shut down. As for my personal life/relationships, I met my boyfriend in January and because I’m not the skinniest girl there is, he’s only just seen me fully naked in the last couple of weeks because my anxiety had me convinced he’d see me and leave me because I’m disgusting.”

“Only my closest friends really know about my anxiety, or other people who have it too. worst cases i’ve had are when driving. simply ’cause there’s nothing i can do, and it’s obviously pretty dangerous. It got to stage of not being able to sleep, sleeping tablets not particularly working well, and my mum even advising me smoking weed to help. It was all brought on ’cause throughout my life at school, i was told i’d never achieve anything. I’d only ever have enough money to pay bills. never get to do what i want. and unfortunately being told constantly that, i started to believe it. since then, i’ve become successful in something i love, and therefor it’s lowered my anxiety. still get mild cases every so often though when i begin to over think.”

“The way I’ve always described anxiety is like when you have depression I could always shake it off and say “ah it’s just my depreasion”. With Anxiety I tried telling myself it was “just anxiety” but then I’d convince myself it wasn’t and worry about what if it wasn’t the Anxiety, and get myself in panic. It drags you down and it’s just like a constant feeling of worrying about anything and everything.”

 

I want to open this platform up for people to come forward and submit their experiences and stories, to create supportive content and a strong support group for those who find this page.

Some people find that opening up anonymously, in a way that they cannot do face to face, can be truly beneficial.

If you would like to submit content for this page, please email YoureNotGoingToDie@gmail.com

Thank You.

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